This is how HarperCollins are describing my adventures…
“Harry Pigg, the only surviving brother from the Big Bad Wolf attacks, has set up business as a private detective in Grimmtown, only things aren’t going too well. Down on his luck, with bills to pay and no clients in sight the outlook is poor. But then in walks local businessman Aladdin who needs someone to help him track down an old lamp.
What follows is a case of nursery rhyme-noir. Funny, thrilling and always entertaining, Harry Pigg is an old breed of hero for a new generation. It’s as if Humphrey Bogart or James Cagney had walked into the middle of a bedtime story.
Although written for older children, Harry Pigg will appeal to grown ups as well with plenty of in-jokes for all ages.”
Me, Bogie and Cagney. What a combo!
Lookee here, I’m on the Harper Collins web-site. Still no picture but I’m working on it.
Check me out!!!!
It’s not as painful as it sounds.
Here’s what my story looks like when its been run through Wordle – and no, even if you look closely you still won’t be able to figure out whodunnit! You’ll still have to buy it when it comes out in March next year.
For a while there it was looking as though my exciting adventures wouldn’t see the light of day when my original publisher went bust. Thankfully (especially for me) they got taken over by Harper Collins at the last minute and I’ve been told that my tales of derring-do will be published for you all to delight in on March 2nd next year. Can you contain yourselves?
More excitingly, once I get the go-ahead on the cover, I’ll post it up here for you to admire and bask in my wonderfulness.
Three cheers for Dustin the Turkey – a personal hero of mine.
A turkey who says it as he sees it – and, more often than not, gets away with it – Dustin has been a puppet celebrity on Irish children’s TV for years. Now he gets the opportunity to showcase his wares at the highest level (did I just say that?) when he represents Ireland at this years Eurovision Song Contest – although song and Eurovision have been mutually exclusive for a number of years now.
After Lordi’s gleeful molesting of the format two years ago with their Heavy Metal-lite entry, Dustin attempts to take the joke one step further with his entry Irlande Douze Points. Is the song any good? Frankly no – but its heart is in the right place (I think) and does exactly what it says on the tin, happily sending up all the conventions of Eurovision: Terry Wogan, Riverdance etc in an amazingly accurate parody.
If there’s any justice it will win at a canter. Go Dustin, we need you now more than ever!
And, if your stomach can take it, here’s the song in all its horrendous glory. You have been warned.
Best TV series theme tune ever, bar none – and had a good answering machine running gag too…
It seems as though many of you (quite understandably) want to know more about me.
Well, I completely understand; when you have as high a profile as I do, it’s inevitable that people will want as much info about me as possible. So as you don’t tire out your delicate fingers scouring the World Wide Web for details (see how considerate I am), I’ve put together a little questionnaire that will answer all your queries – and if they don’t, just let me know and I’ll do my best to answer them in a subsequent article (assuming of course they’re not too personal).
Name: Harry J. Pigg.
Occupation: Detective – in fact, Grimmtown’s finest detective. Forget what you’ve heard about the Red Riding Hood Agency. If you want the best, come to me.
Marital Status: Single – but only because no-one has yet met the impossibly high standards I set. But if you’re willing to try…
Favourite Film: Babe (’nuff said)
Favourite Movie Star: Miss Piggy. This is the standard, ladies, you can but aspire…
Role Model: Jim Rockford – what do you mean you’ve never heard of him? Did you not watch The Rockford Files when you were younger. Sheeesh!
Favourite Book: I do the Grimmtown Gazette crossword every day.
You can read all about my last case involving Aladdin and his missing lamp, organised crime, a sewer and my heroics when it’s published this Autumn. Patience, my little ones, patience; it will be here soon.
My current case is called the Ho Ho Ho Mystery and involves the kidnapping of a well-known Christmas character and my attempts to solve the mystery before Christmas Eve (for obvious reasons).
Now, what more can I say.
In my line of work I get to spend many exciting hours sitting in a car watching someone’s house for signs of activity (usually of the illegal variety). As a result I’ve worked out the most important things do do when on a stake out. Follow these simple tips and you’ll never go wrong,
1. Always use the bathroom before you begin!
This is vitally important. Being short-taken when on a stake-out is a bad thing – and if you do manage to find a good spot to relieve yourself, chances are it will be just at that exact time your subject decides to leave the house. Result: hours of boring waiting wasted
2. Never drink large amounts of liquid before commencing stake-out.
See 1 above
3. Always remember to pack your tools of the trade before setting out.
This includes: cameras, binoculars, a recording device and a recent copy of FPM (For Pigs Magazine) – to while away the time.
4. Know where you are going.
Many hours can be wasted trying to find where you’re subject is living. Check it out on a map first and make sure that you’ve got the right (for example) Jack B. Nimble. It can be particularly galling and somewhat frustrating to find after hours of waiting and watching intently that you’ve parked in front of his father’s house by mistake – not that that has ever happened to me of course. Nope. Nosiree.
5. Never ever go on a stakeout with someone who has an excessive flatulence problem.
Self explanatory. Trust me, even with the windows down it makes for a very unpleasant experience.
Yes, I know it’s been a while but it’s amazing how little you can get done when you don’t have access to the interweb thingy. I’ve been without for a few months now and, although it hasn’t impacted the detecting side of the business, I know you’ve been missing my missives from Grimmtown.
Rest assured, The Third Pig Detective Agency has just had its brand spanking new broadband connection installed so fret no more, my legion of fan. As of now, updates will be so plentiful you’ll never be able to say how much you miss my words of wisdom ever again.
And speaking of words of wisdom, I thought it was about time that I imparted to you some of the useful detecting tips that I’ve picked up over the years so, coming in a few days, I will be giving you Harry Pigg’s Potted Guide To Surveillance and Stakeouts.
You can’t afford to miss it.
What’s that ringing noise coming from the street?
It’s either the official Town Crier or a deputation from Lepers Anonymous. Let’s hear what’s going on.
“Oyez, oyez. Attention people of Grimmtown. Let it be known that the adventures of one of our most illustrious citizens is to be forever immortalised in book format. It is with a deep sense of regret that I announce that The Third Pig Detective Agency is to be published by The Friday Project in Autumn 2008. As a result, the ego of our most infamous pig will no doubt skyrocket even more and he will be even more insufferable when you meet him in the bars and speakeasies of our town.
This book must be boycotted at all costs. When it comes out make bonfires, burn it, protest outside your bookstore. Under no circumstances should this pig be allowed to become more irritating than he already is. Hear ye, hear ye.”
Typical! After all I’ve done for them over the years, this is the thanks I get. There’s my official reporter Mr Burke sweating blood to put my adventures together and this is how we’re being treated.
Ego? Me? Surely some mistake. Maybe they’ve confused me with Red Riding Hood. Yeah, that’s probably it. Easy mistake to make. Phew!