The Third Pig Detective Agency

May 2, 2007

Grimmtown – The Competition

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 2:56 pm

Naturally enough there are other gumshoes in Grimmtown – well, one other anyway.

Now if you really want to employ that Red Riding Hood dame to sort out your problems let me point out the following:

As a rule we detectives need to be observant and possess a smidgeon of deductive reasoning – otherwise we ain’t going to be doing too much detecting, are we?  Like me, RRH claims a victory over the Wolf family and has been using it as a publicity mechanism ever since.  Victory indeed.  Consider the facts:

There she is, walking through the forest to visit her sick granny and she runs into the Big Bad Wolf.  Does she run away?  Does she hell! No – this bright detective wannabe tells him where she’s going and how she’s going to get there.  There’s smarts for ya.

By the time she gets to Granny’s cottage, Granny has become an aperitif and Mr. Wolf is sitting in the bed, squeezed into a nightdress ten sizes too small for him and pretending to be a little old lady.  Now I don’t know how unobservant you have to be not to spot this but Red Riding Hodd only gets a tad confused about Granny’s new appearance.

“What big ears you have, Granny” she says, failing to notice that the last time she saw them they were small, pink and on either side of Granny’s head.  Now they’re long, hairy, pointy and sitting on top of her head.  Good spot, young lady!

“What big eyes you have, Granny,” she goes on.  Now considering, Granny normally has to sit ten inches away from the TV in order to see anything and has a perpetual squint, again you’d imagine she might have thought this a bit odd – but oh no, she’s not done yet.

“What big teeth you’ve got.”  She may be a bit suspicious by now as she’s probably welll used to seeing Granny’s pearly-whites in a glass by the bed and they certainly weren’t long, sharp and drooling the last time she looked.

Of course now it’s too late and she joins Granny in Wolfie’s ample stomach having become the second course in his evening meal.  But even now, she still manages to come out of this smelling of roses (not literally though, having being in something’s stomach).  Along comes a your local friendly woodcutter, spots the wolf and cheerfully removes his head.  Out pop Miss Hood and Granny, shaken and stirred but, unfortunately, still alive.  She then becomes a folk hero (not unlike myself) for having done over one of the wolf family – the difference being, I actually did one over and have the pics to prove it.  She, on the other hand,  gave the wolf directions to dinner, never spotted he’d taken her granny’s place and was then rescued by a local woodcutter after he’d eaten her.

 I mean, come on – how could you have any faith in her as a detective.  So folks, come to the one you can trust; the one who can solve your case; the one who can spot a wolf in a nightie at twenty paces.

Come to Harry Pigg.  Come to The Third Pig Detective Agency.  Accept no substitute.  You know it makes sense.


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