The Third Pig Detective Agency

July 9, 2008

Does This Mean I’m Official?

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 11:39 am
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Lookee here, I’m on the Harper Collins web-site.  Still no picture but I’m working on it.

Check me out!!!!

June 24, 2008

We Have Lift Off – Sort Of!

Filed under: Books,detectives,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 10:05 am
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For a while there it was looking as though my exciting adventures wouldn’t see the light of day when my original publisher went bust.  Thankfully (especially for me) they got taken over by Harper Collins at the last minute and I’ve been told that my tales of derring-do will be published for you all to delight in on March 2nd next year.  Can you contain yourselves?

More excitingly, once I get the go-ahead on the cover, I’ll post it up here for you to admire and bask in my wonderfulness.

More soon.

February 25, 2008

Anthropomorphs of the World Unite!

Filed under: humour,Irishblogs — thirdpig @ 12:04 pm
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Three cheers for Dustin the Turkey – a personal hero of mine.

A turkey who says it as he sees it – and, more often than not, gets away with it – Dustin has been a puppet celebrity on Irish children’s TV for years. Now he gets the opportunity to showcase his wares at the highest level (did I just say that?) when he represents Ireland at this years Eurovision Song Contest – although song and Eurovision have been mutually exclusive for a number of years now.

After Lordi’s gleeful molesting of the format two years ago with their Heavy Metal-lite entry, Dustin attempts to take the joke one step further with his entry Irlande Douze Points. Is the song any good? Frankly no – but its heart is in the right place (I think) and does exactly what it says on the tin, happily sending up all the conventions of Eurovision: Terry Wogan, Riverdance etc in an amazingly accurate parody.

If there’s any justice it will win at a canter. Go Dustin, we need you now more than ever!

And, if your stomach can take it, here’s the song in all its horrendous glory. You have been warned.

February 14, 2008

And While We’re on the Subject of Jim Rockford

Filed under: detectives,humour,Irishblogs,Jim Rockford,TV Series — thirdpig @ 11:35 am

Best TV series theme tune ever, bar none – and had a good answering machine running gag too…

February 12, 2008

We Will Ask the Questions

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs — thirdpig @ 12:16 pm

It seems as though many of you (quite understandably) want to know more about me.

Well, I completely understand; when you have as high a profile as I do, it’s inevitable that people will want as much info about me as possible. So as you don’t tire out your delicate fingers scouring the World Wide Web for details (see how considerate I am), I’ve put together a little questionnaire that will answer all your queries – and if they don’t, just let me know and I’ll do my best to answer them in a subsequent article (assuming of course they’re not too personal).

Name: Harry J. Pigg.

Occupation: Detective – in fact, Grimmtown’s finest detective. Forget what you’ve heard about the Red Riding Hood Agency. If you want the best, come to me.

Marital Status: Single – but only because no-one has yet met the impossibly high standards I set. But if you’re willing to try…

Favourite Film: Babe (’nuff said)

MISSP Favourite Movie Star: Miss Piggy. This is the standard, ladies, you can but aspire…

Role Model: Jim Rockford – what do you mean you’ve never heard of him? Did you not watch The Rockford Files when you were younger. Sheeesh!

Favourite Book: I do the Grimmtown Gazette crossword every day.

Casebook:

You can read all about my last case involving Aladdin and his missing lamp, organised crime, a sewer and my heroics when it’s published this Autumn. Patience, my little ones, patience; it will be here soon.

My current case is called the Ho Ho Ho Mystery and involves the kidnapping of a well-known Christmas character and my attempts to solve the mystery before Christmas Eve (for obvious reasons).

Now, what more can I say.

January 16, 2008

He’s Back. Oh Yes, He’s Back.

Filed under: humour,Irishblogs — thirdpig @ 5:40 pm

Yes, I know it’s been a while but it’s amazing how little you can get done when you don’t have access to the interweb thingy. I’ve been without for a few months now and, although it hasn’t impacted the detecting side of the business, I know you’ve been missing my missives from Grimmtown.

Rest assured, The Third Pig Detective Agency has just had its brand spanking new broadband connection installed so fret no more, my legion of fan. As of now, updates will be so plentiful you’ll never be able to say how much you miss my words of wisdom ever again.

And speaking of words of wisdom, I thought it was about time that I imparted to you some of the useful detecting tips that I’ve picked up over the years so, coming in a few days, I will be giving you Harry Pigg’s Potted Guide To Surveillance and Stakeouts.

You can’t afford to miss it.

September 14, 2007

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 1:06 pm

What’s that ringing noise coming from the street? 

It’s either the official Town Crier or  a deputation from Lepers Anonymous.  Let’s hear what’s going on.

“Oyez, oyez.  Attention people of Grimmtown.  Let it be known that the adventures of one of our most illustrious citizens is to be forever immortalised in book format.  It is with a deep sense of regret that I announce that The Third Pig Detective Agency is to be published by The Friday Project in Autumn 2008.  As a result, the ego of our most infamous pig will no doubt skyrocket even more and he will be even more insufferable when you meet him in the bars and speakeasies of our town.

This book must be boycotted at all costs.  When it comes out make bonfires, burn it, protest outside your bookstore.  Under no circumstances should this pig be allowed to become more irritating than he already is.  Hear ye, hear ye.”

 Typical!  After all I’ve done for them over the years, this is the thanks I get.  There’s my official reporter Mr Burke sweating blood to put my adventures together and this is how we’re being treated. 

Ego?  Me?  Surely some mistake.  Maybe they’ve confused me with Red Riding Hood.  Yeah, that’s probably it.  Easy mistake to make.  Phew!

July 5, 2007

Coming Soon-ish

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 2:09 pm

I know you’ve been clamouring for updates but I’ve been on a stakeout this past while (even I have to earn money you know!) so haven’t had much time to regale you with my exploits. 

Once this case is over, I’ll share the juicy details with you.  As a preview of forthcoming attractions I will reveal the following:

 It includes:

a plague of spiders (and when I say spiders I’m not talking about “ooh there’s a little one in the bath”, I mean hairy beasties the size of rats),

strange goings-on at the Curds and Whey Bed and Breakfast

Miss Muffet (winner of Grimmtown’s Arachnaphobe of the Year for the past 12 years)

an old lady who – yes, indeed – lives in a shoe,

Theodore Frogg, owner of Frogg Prince Pets,

and two prime candidates for the Village Idiot of the Year Award

Yes, I know, I know; you want all the details now don’t you?  Well I’ll just keep you in suspense a little while longer.

Coming soon:  

The Third Pig Detective Agency in The Curds and Whey Mystery. 

June 19, 2007

The Past is a not so Foreign Place

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 11:20 am

Now here’s the thing…I’m a brilliant, famous, fearless detective (as you all know). As a result, I’ve clocked up more than my fair share of notable successes (actually, only a few successes, some not so noticeable, but who’s counting).You’d think therefore that when people see me in a bar, enjoying a quiet beer after a hectic days detecting that they’d want to ask about my latest heroics; that they’d like to know the truth behind the spider infestation at Miss Muffet’s Curds and Whey B&B (watch this space and I’ll reveal the full sordid tale soon);  maybe even get the inside track on the Hansel and Gretel case.

But no, it’s always the same question, “Hey, ain’t you that pig that lost his two brothers in that housing scam?”.

When I roll my eyes, heave a big sigh of resignation and point out that I didn’t lose anyone but that my brothers had basically taken the cheap solution when building their houses, they nod furiously and then get to the nub of the conversation – what they really want to know is, was that wolf really stupid enough to fall down the chimney into the pot.

Now, apart from the implication that I somehow took out the wolf with a high-powered sniper rifle while he cavorted harmlessly on my roof and concocted the pot story to cover it up, I’m a bit tired having to tell the same story over and over.  It’s past history, why not ask me something more important, more recent; something that allows me to puff myself up and regale the listener with tales of how great I am.

I mean, does anyone still go to Princess Cinderella and say “glass shoes with that dress, darling? Whatever were you thinking?” or to Goldilocks and ask “if they were that hungry, how come the bears didn’t eat you after you scoffed their porridge?”

Do they, heck!  So why do they persist in asking me about the Big Bad Wolf Incident? It’s old history; surely no-one cares anymore.

Anyway, I’ve made a decision. I’m going to reveal all (metaphorically speaking – a naked pig is not a pretty sight). Coming soon – the truth about the Big Bad Wolf and the Small Innocent Pig. Maybe I should call it When Harry Met Wolfie – it has a nice ring, don’t you think.

Keep watching, the truth is coming.

June 13, 2007

Jack Attack – The People of Grimmtown

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 3:18 pm

Grimmtown seems to have its (un)fair share of Jacks – most of them singularly useless at whetever they try and put their minds to.  Off the top of my head I can come up with: 

Jack (no second name):  none too bright kid who swapped a prime dairy cow for a handful of magic beans (I rest my case).  Had to help him out with a giant problem he was having.  If I have the time, I’ll tell you about it someday. 

Jack the Giant Killer:  an exception to the rule.  No relation to the previous idiot.  As the name implies, he’s a useful guy to have around.  Runs a primo bodyguard service for our town’s rich and famous celebs. 

Jack B. Nimble:  another useless waste of space who has the most pointless party piece in history: he puts a candlestick in the middle of the street and spends the rest of the day jumping back and forth over it.  As a result has an entry in the Grimmtown Book of Records for most recorded leaps over a single candlestick.  He’s been living off it ever since.  If you ever see him in a bar, avoid like the plague or be prepared to die of boredom.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Jack (and Jill). If you are ever in need of medical assistance and you see this guy coming towards you, play dead.  If not, regardless of what you may be suffering from, he will try to cover your head with vinegar and brown paper and recommend bed rest.  Was kicked out of medical school. 

Jack Horner:  irritating schoolboy, wannabe detective and useful to have when you’re in a tight corner.  When I was in the clutches of the Wicked Witch of the West Side, he was the one who rescued me.  Never stops talking.  Sees himself as my sidekick – as if I needed one. 

So if you have a newborn boy and you’re struggling for a name, please don’t call him Jack.  Being constantly ridiculed and compared to the above is a burden he shouldn’t have to carry for the rest of his life

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