The Third Pig Detective Agency

January 25, 2008

Surveillance: A User’s Guide

Filed under: humour — thirdpig @ 3:16 pm

In my line of work I get to spend many exciting hours sitting in a car watching someone’s house for signs of activity (usually of the illegal variety).  As a result I’ve worked out the most important things do do when on a stake out.  Follow these simple tips and you’ll never go wrong,

1.  Always use the bathroom before you begin! 

This is vitally important.  Being short-taken when on a stake-out is a bad thing – and if you do manage to find a good spot to relieve yourself, chances are it will be just at that exact time your subject decides to leave the house.  Result:  hours of boring waiting wasted

2.  Never drink large amounts of liquid before commencing stake-out. 

See 1 above

3.  Always remember to pack your tools of the trade before setting out. 

This includes:  cameras, binoculars, a recording device and a recent copy of FPM (For Pigs Magazine) – to while away the time.

4.  Know where you are going.

Many hours can be wasted trying to find where you’re subject is living.  Check it out on a map first and make sure that you’ve got the right (for example) Jack B. Nimble.  It can be particularly galling and somewhat frustrating to find after hours of waiting and watching intently that you’ve parked in front of his father’s house by mistake – not that that has ever happened to me of course.  Nope.  Nosiree.

5.  Never ever go on a stakeout with someone who has an excessive flatulence problem.

Self explanatory.  Trust me, even with the windows down it makes for a very unpleasant experience.

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