The Third Pig Detective Agency

July 9, 2008

Does This Mean I’m Official?

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 11:39 am
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Lookee here, I’m on the Harper Collins web-site.  Still no picture but I’m working on it.

Check me out!!!!

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June 24, 2008

We Have Lift Off – Sort Of!

Filed under: Books,detectives,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 10:05 am
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For a while there it was looking as though my exciting adventures wouldn’t see the light of day when my original publisher went bust.  Thankfully (especially for me) they got taken over by Harper Collins at the last minute and I’ve been told that my tales of derring-do will be published for you all to delight in on March 2nd next year.  Can you contain yourselves?

More excitingly, once I get the go-ahead on the cover, I’ll post it up here for you to admire and bask in my wonderfulness.

More soon.

September 14, 2007

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 1:06 pm

What’s that ringing noise coming from the street? 

It’s either the official Town Crier or  a deputation from Lepers Anonymous.  Let’s hear what’s going on.

“Oyez, oyez.  Attention people of Grimmtown.  Let it be known that the adventures of one of our most illustrious citizens is to be forever immortalised in book format.  It is with a deep sense of regret that I announce that The Third Pig Detective Agency is to be published by The Friday Project in Autumn 2008.  As a result, the ego of our most infamous pig will no doubt skyrocket even more and he will be even more insufferable when you meet him in the bars and speakeasies of our town.

This book must be boycotted at all costs.  When it comes out make bonfires, burn it, protest outside your bookstore.  Under no circumstances should this pig be allowed to become more irritating than he already is.  Hear ye, hear ye.”

 Typical!  After all I’ve done for them over the years, this is the thanks I get.  There’s my official reporter Mr Burke sweating blood to put my adventures together and this is how we’re being treated. 

Ego?  Me?  Surely some mistake.  Maybe they’ve confused me with Red Riding Hood.  Yeah, that’s probably it.  Easy mistake to make.  Phew!

July 5, 2007

Coming Soon-ish

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 2:09 pm

I know you’ve been clamouring for updates but I’ve been on a stakeout this past while (even I have to earn money you know!) so haven’t had much time to regale you with my exploits. 

Once this case is over, I’ll share the juicy details with you.  As a preview of forthcoming attractions I will reveal the following:

 It includes:

a plague of spiders (and when I say spiders I’m not talking about “ooh there’s a little one in the bath”, I mean hairy beasties the size of rats),

strange goings-on at the Curds and Whey Bed and Breakfast

Miss Muffet (winner of Grimmtown’s Arachnaphobe of the Year for the past 12 years)

an old lady who – yes, indeed – lives in a shoe,

Theodore Frogg, owner of Frogg Prince Pets,

and two prime candidates for the Village Idiot of the Year Award

Yes, I know, I know; you want all the details now don’t you?  Well I’ll just keep you in suspense a little while longer.

Coming soon:  

The Third Pig Detective Agency in The Curds and Whey Mystery. 

June 19, 2007

The Past is a not so Foreign Place

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 11:20 am

Now here’s the thing…I’m a brilliant, famous, fearless detective (as you all know). As a result, I’ve clocked up more than my fair share of notable successes (actually, only a few successes, some not so noticeable, but who’s counting).You’d think therefore that when people see me in a bar, enjoying a quiet beer after a hectic days detecting that they’d want to ask about my latest heroics; that they’d like to know the truth behind the spider infestation at Miss Muffet’s Curds and Whey B&B (watch this space and I’ll reveal the full sordid tale soon);  maybe even get the inside track on the Hansel and Gretel case.

But no, it’s always the same question, “Hey, ain’t you that pig that lost his two brothers in that housing scam?”.

When I roll my eyes, heave a big sigh of resignation and point out that I didn’t lose anyone but that my brothers had basically taken the cheap solution when building their houses, they nod furiously and then get to the nub of the conversation – what they really want to know is, was that wolf really stupid enough to fall down the chimney into the pot.

Now, apart from the implication that I somehow took out the wolf with a high-powered sniper rifle while he cavorted harmlessly on my roof and concocted the pot story to cover it up, I’m a bit tired having to tell the same story over and over.  It’s past history, why not ask me something more important, more recent; something that allows me to puff myself up and regale the listener with tales of how great I am.

I mean, does anyone still go to Princess Cinderella and say “glass shoes with that dress, darling? Whatever were you thinking?” or to Goldilocks and ask “if they were that hungry, how come the bears didn’t eat you after you scoffed their porridge?”

Do they, heck!  So why do they persist in asking me about the Big Bad Wolf Incident? It’s old history; surely no-one cares anymore.

Anyway, I’ve made a decision. I’m going to reveal all (metaphorically speaking – a naked pig is not a pretty sight). Coming soon – the truth about the Big Bad Wolf and the Small Innocent Pig. Maybe I should call it When Harry Met Wolfie – it has a nice ring, don’t you think.

Keep watching, the truth is coming.

June 13, 2007

Jack Attack – The People of Grimmtown

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 3:18 pm

Grimmtown seems to have its (un)fair share of Jacks – most of them singularly useless at whetever they try and put their minds to.  Off the top of my head I can come up with: 

Jack (no second name):  none too bright kid who swapped a prime dairy cow for a handful of magic beans (I rest my case).  Had to help him out with a giant problem he was having.  If I have the time, I’ll tell you about it someday. 

Jack the Giant Killer:  an exception to the rule.  No relation to the previous idiot.  As the name implies, he’s a useful guy to have around.  Runs a primo bodyguard service for our town’s rich and famous celebs. 

Jack B. Nimble:  another useless waste of space who has the most pointless party piece in history: he puts a candlestick in the middle of the street and spends the rest of the day jumping back and forth over it.  As a result has an entry in the Grimmtown Book of Records for most recorded leaps over a single candlestick.  He’s been living off it ever since.  If you ever see him in a bar, avoid like the plague or be prepared to die of boredom.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Jack (and Jill). If you are ever in need of medical assistance and you see this guy coming towards you, play dead.  If not, regardless of what you may be suffering from, he will try to cover your head with vinegar and brown paper and recommend bed rest.  Was kicked out of medical school. 

Jack Horner:  irritating schoolboy, wannabe detective and useful to have when you’re in a tight corner.  When I was in the clutches of the Wicked Witch of the West Side, he was the one who rescued me.  Never stops talking.  Sees himself as my sidekick – as if I needed one. 

So if you have a newborn boy and you’re struggling for a name, please don’t call him Jack.  Being constantly ridiculed and compared to the above is a burden he shouldn’t have to carry for the rest of his life

May 2, 2007

Grimmtown – The Competition

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 2:56 pm

Naturally enough there are other gumshoes in Grimmtown – well, one other anyway.

Now if you really want to employ that Red Riding Hood dame to sort out your problems let me point out the following:

As a rule we detectives need to be observant and possess a smidgeon of deductive reasoning – otherwise we ain’t going to be doing too much detecting, are we?  Like me, RRH claims a victory over the Wolf family and has been using it as a publicity mechanism ever since.  Victory indeed.  Consider the facts:

There she is, walking through the forest to visit her sick granny and she runs into the Big Bad Wolf.  Does she run away?  Does she hell! No – this bright detective wannabe tells him where she’s going and how she’s going to get there.  There’s smarts for ya.

By the time she gets to Granny’s cottage, Granny has become an aperitif and Mr. Wolf is sitting in the bed, squeezed into a nightdress ten sizes too small for him and pretending to be a little old lady.  Now I don’t know how unobservant you have to be not to spot this but Red Riding Hodd only gets a tad confused about Granny’s new appearance.

“What big ears you have, Granny” she says, failing to notice that the last time she saw them they were small, pink and on either side of Granny’s head.  Now they’re long, hairy, pointy and sitting on top of her head.  Good spot, young lady!

“What big eyes you have, Granny,” she goes on.  Now considering, Granny normally has to sit ten inches away from the TV in order to see anything and has a perpetual squint, again you’d imagine she might have thought this a bit odd – but oh no, she’s not done yet.

“What big teeth you’ve got.”  She may be a bit suspicious by now as she’s probably welll used to seeing Granny’s pearly-whites in a glass by the bed and they certainly weren’t long, sharp and drooling the last time she looked.

Of course now it’s too late and she joins Granny in Wolfie’s ample stomach having become the second course in his evening meal.  But even now, she still manages to come out of this smelling of roses (not literally though, having being in something’s stomach).  Along comes a your local friendly woodcutter, spots the wolf and cheerfully removes his head.  Out pop Miss Hood and Granny, shaken and stirred but, unfortunately, still alive.  She then becomes a folk hero (not unlike myself) for having done over one of the wolf family – the difference being, I actually did one over and have the pics to prove it.  She, on the other hand,  gave the wolf directions to dinner, never spotted he’d taken her granny’s place and was then rescued by a local woodcutter after he’d eaten her.

 I mean, come on – how could you have any faith in her as a detective.  So folks, come to the one you can trust; the one who can solve your case; the one who can spot a wolf in a nightie at twenty paces.

Come to Harry Pigg.  Come to The Third Pig Detective Agency.  Accept no substitute.  You know it makes sense.

February 20, 2007

Welcome to the Third Pig Detective Agency

Filed under: Books,humour,Irishblogs,Writing — thirdpig @ 7:11 pm

HarryPWho am I? 
You’ve probably all read the story of the Three Little Pigs and probably wondered, “Whatever happened that smart pig who built the house made of bricks?” 
Well I can tell you.  I decided to become a detective – after all there’s no point in being famous if you can’t make use of it, is there?
I was  the one who broke the Hansel and Gretel case and am now faced with the most baffling mystery of my career:  who stole Aladdin’s lamp, why does he want it back so badly and why does everyone involved in the case seem intent on inflicting grevious bodily harm on my porcine body?

Want to Know More?
If you want to read the grim details, the first three chapters of my amazing adventures can be found at  http://www.youwriteon.com where they came third in the site’s Children’s Book of the Year Award (they also provided the spiffing cover you see attached – nice one!).

My thrilling exploits will continue to be recorded and documented by my biographer Mr. Burke (Watson to my Holmes – or perhaps Yoyo to my Holmes might be more accurate).  Mr. Burke will no doubt regale you with thrilling tales of derring-do as I single-handedly (if you discount young Jack Horner) solve mysteries, recover lost artifacts and thrill you with my hair-rasing exploits (or perhaps not).

As he seeks to ensure my deeds are presented to my eager and adoring public in the most appropriate manner, no doubt Mr. Burke will continue to advise as to progress with the placing and publication of my first adventure The Third Pig Detective Agency with literary agents and publsiing houses.

Do read my adventures and let me know what you think – or more importantly, if you want to read more.

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